That's going to be a tricky one to dance to.
Why?
That's dancealicious.
It's got lots of stopping and starting.
You know when you're on a dance floor and the record suddenly has a section without a beat?
Yeah.
And you've got to think of something to do.
Right.
Yeah.
Well, you can't do that, Lyla's doing, dancing.
You can't dance when there's no beat.
So everyone just sort of stands around looking like a wally for about ten seconds.
waiting for the beat to come back in.
I'm just saying that in that record there's a lot of stopping and starting.
Ah, it doesn't matter, man.
That's the Gorillaz for you.
They're unpredictable.
Other than that, good record, I think.
yeah fantastic that was called feel good incorporated that's the new single from the gorillas taken from their second album demon days uh follow up to the five million selling first album by the gorillas can you believe it that's got to make them one of the all-time great cartoon combos surely uh who else is on that list the cartoons the archies right uh they did sugar sugar
And... Were they animated?
They were animated, yeah.
Right.
And... Can't think of anyone else to think about that.
Hi, this is Adam and Joe.
Oh, before that, incidentally, you heard the bravery with an honest mistake.
And, yes, we're Adam and Joe, with you for the next one hour, 50 minutes, here on XFM.
And... Oh, I'll play the jingle, shall I?
Yeah.
That sounds interesting, let's talk about it I always enjoy our little chats
I never know what you'll say Have you seen that film The Amityville Horror?
It's a new film and it is brand new I'm not sure about that new TV show
You hear the Prince of Charlie's comments He just can't seem to get anything right I'm not sure about that new TV show That sounds interesting, let's talk about it Let's start talking now
So we don't have to stick to that.
That's not the manifesto for the show.
I've written them down.
I've written them down.
One, Amityville Horror.
Two, Prince Charles.
Three, something that wasn't on that list.
OK.
I do want to talk to you about the Amityville Horror situation.
Yeah, I've got a lot to tell you about that.
As a film expert.
I'm just confused.
I'm very knowledgeable.
About the posters.
Yeah, because you know a lot about the original film, don't you?
Yes, I do.
So yeah, I want to chat to Joe, who's our film expert.
a bit later on about the new version of the M&M's.
But listen, listen, listen, listen.
Make me a supermodel.
It's gone a bit wrong.
No, it hasn't.
It's got better and better.
Really?
I missed the last one.
I'm trying to decide whether to go to the live final.
Where is it?
I don't know.
You should go.
Do you think it would be fun?
Yeah, well- It's produced by the lady who used to produce the Adam and Jo show and it's made by Tiger Aspect, who are a production company in the same building as our agents.
I'm sure you could go.
I could go.
Who do you want to meet there?
The sexy one, Alice.
with the bug eyes and the floppy mouth, wonky mouth.
She's so hot.
Do you know her?
Steve I know who you're talking about, yeah.
I don't know her personally.
Ricky I think- I mean, she's got quite a strong look.
Steve She does.
Ricky You might get sick of her after a bit, but for a couple of weeks it'd be amazing.
Steve She is- Ricky Do you think she'd go out with me on those terms?
Steve Well, you- you've got a girlfriend, yeah.
Ricky Yeah, engaged.
Steve Yeah.
Ricky But, uh, do you think she'd go out with me on those terms?
Steve Yes.
Yes, I think she would.
I think she would.
I think if she heard what you just said about her, she'd be- She's got to win.
She'd be very impressed.
She has to win.
Well, I like- I'm sorry if listeners haven't been watching this, but it's basically down to three ladies to be the best supermodel in the world, and one of them looks like a sort of gangly Natalie Portman, and the other one looks like a big frosty ice queen, and the third one's got a wonky mouth and she's very attractive.
Did you watch the show where they put them in the tank?
Yes, I did.
I thought that was a bit lame, though, didn't you think?
I love it.
They said, um, they said, okay, now it's time for a tough modelling assignment for our prospective models.
They don't know what they have to do, but they're gonna have to throw themselves into it, literally, 100%.
Yeah.
It turns out to be a big tank of water with some eagles or snakes swimming around in it.
Brilliant.
Brilliant.
It just seemed a bit, a bit- It seemed brilliant.
Like a lame, kind of, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here challenge.
It seemed brilliant.
And then one of them didn't have to do it because she was feeling a bit- Yeah.
Poor thing.
It was brilliant.
It's brilliant.
Well done.
And the live final is on Monday.
Monday.
Don't miss it.
If Alice with the wonky mouth doesn't win, there's gonna be trouble.
Well listen, can we say if Debbie Searle or anyone else connected with the programme is listening, could you call us?
0-8-7-1-222-1049.
I really want to go and chat to all the models.
Obviously I won't make a part in any of them, but I'm interested in their careers.
And their bodies.
You could probably help them, man.
I could help them.
Give them a leg up.
Give them a leg up.
Maybe I could help you give them a leg up.
No.
I'm not into that sort of thing.
I'd love to give them a leg up.
Anyway, we've got competition time already coming up sometime soon in the show, and also it's celebrity regression therapy this week.
Quite an easy one.
That's right.
And we're going to have a text competition.
You'll be able to win tickets to see Feeder at the Brixton Academy or The Departure at the Oulu.
And for Diddy's in the dock, in the final 20 minutes of the show, this week it is instrumentals.
Yeah.
Would you say yours is a classic instrumental?
Well, I don't know if it is.
It is in my head.
There we go.
You've bent the rule over here.
It was quite tricky for me to find an instrumental.
Anyway, so, we've chosen an instrumental each and we'll be playing them off for digits in the dock, and every caller that gets through wins a copy of the Happy Mondays Greatest Hits.
So lots of boo-say.
Of course, we have, er, Fantastic Music.
Like this one.
From Howl.
Oh, I've pressed the button.
What is it, Mac?
Yeah, there's only two buttons to press.
You'd think it wouldn't be so hard.
What rotten luck.
Thanks, man.
How would you describe that song by how, Joe?
Oh, a squeaky-voiced, high-speed, uh, record-plonking, record-plonking.
You know what word I would use?
What?
Summery.
Oh, brilliant.
I'd call it a slice of summery pop.
Carry on talking like that, and the magical portal to Capitol Radio may open up.
Wow.
Can you imagine?
You might be sucked upstairs into Foxy's chair.
Oh, I'd like to be sucked upstairs into Foxy's something.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
Now, this is the first of our three plays this week, and it's a song by a group called The Fiery Furnaces, which I'm sure many XFM listeners are familiar with.
This is a track from their album called EP, or maybe it's just an EP called EP, I don't know.
But I think it's a fantastic track from a really exciting young band, and it's called...
Keeping on the summer theme, here comes the summer.
Hope you like this one.
From the Fiery Furnaces, this is Adam and Joe on XFM.
They just stopped there.
Music- it's as if- it's as if bands are getting so desperate to discover a new sound that music's just going a bit insane at the moment, don't you think?
It's like that record by Color Me Bad or whatever they're called.
Do Me Bad Things, not Color Me Bad.
They did I Want To Sex You Up, didn't they?
No, Do Me Bad Things, that record's sort of insane, fusing Donald Fagan with- It's the sound of the future, Joe, it's just hurting you.
I'm past it.
I'm over it.
Yeah.
No, the fiery furnaces are great.
That's one of the more straightforward tracks from them, actually.
Their record, Blueberry Boat, is well worth a listen, but that is completely demented.
Listen, still no call from anyone who works on Make Me a Supermodel.
It's looking bad for my visit to the party on Monday.
Just remind people how to get in touch with us, Joe.
0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9 text 8 3 X F M e-mail Adam and Joe at X F M dot co dot U K.
I said, come on, Joe wants to get a leg up.
He wants to help them get legs up.
So give him a call, help him out.
He wants to go to the live final.
It's gonna be competition time very shortly here on XFM.
Stick with us.
XFM.
Well, you know, who would rather be anywhere but good old London Tan on a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon like what this one is?
Yeah, people walking around, eating food, wearing not too many clothes, men without their shirts on, kissing ladies with their mouths open.
It makes you happy.
Jelly deals, pearly kings and queens and knuckles.
Cooga booga for everybody.
And friendly gangsters.
Yeah.
Um, now, Joe, I wanted to, uh, incidentally, that was, uh, that was Razorlight.
And this is Adam and Joe on XFM.
And I just want to talk to you, Joseph Cornish, uh, film expert, about the Amityville horror poster that I've been seeing in the London Tube network.
And it says at the top of it, I mean, obviously it's a remake,
But it says at the top, from the producer of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre...
comes the Amityville Horror.
So it's basically kind of a weird revisionist take on horror for a whole generation that perhaps don't realize that Michael Bay, who produced the miserable remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, is now producing the miserable remake of the Amityville Horror.
Yeah, only the remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre wasn't that miserable.
Was it quite good?
It was alright.
I wasn't a patch on the original, but it was alright.
Well there you go.
It had a man and his head was- there was a hole in his head and the camera went through the hole and out the other side.
Did that make your day?
In the first five minutes.
Yeah it sort of did but I tell you that that was the high point- high point.
Michael Bayes though.
Listen to me or may not agree, the low point was, uh, what's he called, Leatherface, in his nutty chop-up room.
and he's shuffling past a sideboard and there's various bits of human bodies on platters and one of them is the head of the big ginger mountain man, Harry Knowles, from the Ain't It Cool website.
Oh, what?
Yeah, that sort of punctures the suspension of disbelief fairly rapidly.
Anyway, keep going.
I thought you were gonna say Jerry Halliwell there for a second.
That would've been better.
Michael Bay, I've just got a problem with Bay and anything Bay touches.
Surely Michael Bay is, you know, the most evil man in Hollywood today.
I'm just saying that because he's responsible for just the most cynical, money-making piles of dross that I can think of.
For example, Pearl Harbor, he directed, and there can't be films much worse than that in the world.
Armageddon.
Uh, have you got- you've got- you're smiling.
You like Armageddon, don't you?
No, I- I- no, I was smiling about something else.
Armageddon is terrible, yeah.
Well, it's terrible.
Uh, you like Bad Boys, though, don't you?
I'm- I'm a fan of Bad Boys 2.
Bad Boys 2.
Yeah.
And, uh, he's also produced, um, let's see, what else?
The Island?
That's right.
That's yet to be released.
That's Ewan McGregor and some sort of cloning thing, thriller.
Right.
Yeah.
But you know what interests me about the Amersfield Horror?
What?
Is obviously it says based on a true story.
Yeah.
And it's obviously not true, is it?
Well, it's not true to the extent that most sane people don't really believe in... Yeah.
And it just amazes me that it can last for this long even though it's patently not true.
It's actually based on a real, genuine, horrific murder.
A guy called Ronnie DeFeo who was involved in gang lands in Long Island who shot his entire family.
And then the house was going cheap, so the next family move in, can't pay their mortgage, decide to write a, decide to sort of flee the house and write a pretend ghost story to raise some money.
And that's all that happened, it wasn't true.
But the myth is still going on.
And a similar story to the entity, have you ever seen the entity?
Yeah, with the invisible ghost that touches the ladies' buildings.
Exactly.
That's about to be remade by one of these Japanese horror directors, a big American remake, similarly, supposedly based on a true story.
But she wasn't molested by a ghost.
It doesn't happen.
I don't think ghosts exist.
And I don't think they molest ladies.
Some people swear they are molested by ghosts.
It's just weird that these really grotty, horrible true stories turn into these ridiculous, sort of fantastic ghost things and still...
stay well known.
I'd like to see a film about the true story behind the Amityville Horror.
That sounds pretty interesting what you just described.
Well, there's a new reissue of the original movie coming out on DVD, Adam, with two documentaries on it, I think, that tell you the original story.
Oh, that sounds good.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
Next couple of weeks that comes out, I think, in America.
Sexcellent.
Now we've got competition time coming up very, very shortly after this classic track from Pulp.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, I miss Pulp.
That's good, isn't it?
Great record.
I actually miss them being around.
What's happened to them?
Where's he gone?
He lives in France now and he just does a bit of DJing and he's got a baby of his own.
And presumably he just lives off royalties, does he?
I would imagine so.
I- I should think he'll- he'll probably come back with some solo effort at some point.
Which would be good.
I- I'm- you know, the world's a poorer place without cocker.
Absolutely.
So that was Babies by Pop, this is Adam and Joel on XFM.
Um... Yeah.
Competition, isn't it?
Competition, yeah.
I was just gonna make a reference to a couple of texts we've got.
Oh yeah, go on.
Someone saying the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake was not good, it was bloody rubbish, I think that's what they're saying.
Uh, they're right, of course, but I thought it was entertaining rubbish.
and someone's saying that they know someone who works on Make Me a Supermodel and that we might get a call quite soon to invite us to the live final.
That call hasn't come through yet.
Come on, remind them of the number.
08712221049 if you can get us to the live final of Make Me a Supermodel on Monday or you want to enter celebrity regression, which is going to happen right about now.
Competition time.
You could win a DVD or tickets to a show.
You just never know, so sharpen up your brain and get ready to play!
Is it the DVD or ticket to a show this week that we're giving away?
It's the DVD.
It's the special edition of Steven Spielberg's Jewel, and it comes in a tin.
Hey, that's fantastic, and that's a film all about Jewel, is it?
Yeah, what's the point of these tins?
She's brilliant.
I love Jewel.
That doesn't matter.
Like Jewel.
Yeah.
Jewel.
So it's a special edition of Jewel.
It's a fantastic film about a big truck, what wants to kill a little man in a car.
And it turns out the truck's being driven by the devil.
Don't be silly, Adam.
You've given away the ending.
You know it's not the correct ending.
Is it?
OK.
And it's got a lot of bonus material.
And it mainly comes in a tin.
Yeah.
That's brilliant, isn't it?
Which means it's wiped clean.
In case you get over excited.
And it can double as a baking tray.
Yeah.
Right, let's get on with the competition, which is celebrity regression therapy this week.
Joe, are you ready to put me under in a deep hypnotic trance?
Ah, yes I am.
Here we go.
Okay, remember the numbers 08712221049.
I'm gonna now regress Adam into the mind of a famous Hollywood film star.
That film star will then witness some of their films and you have to tell us who the star is and what film they've been regressed into.
I can never really explain it properly but I think you get the point.
Okay, you can relax along with us if you're at home or in your car or lying in your tiny little speedos in the park.
Just take a deep breath.
In the stomach, remember, inflate the stomach, not the chest.
That's right, and breathe out through the mouth, in through the nose, out through the mouth.
Excuse me, long deep breaths.
Close your eyes, just feel very light and flaky, and now drift back, drift back, all the way back, you're five, you're four, you're three, you're two, you're one, you're in your daddy's nutties, and now you are yes.
in the brain of a Hollywood star and breathe and I want you to wake up now and Are you ready Adam to wake up and and tell us what you see?
And in a nightclub, it's a special movie nightclub.
It's extremely well lit, with bad music that no one in real life listens to, and overdressed ladies dancing all sexy with their arms above their heads.
Oh, seductive.
Two of the ladies are dancing with me.
They look angry or maybe sexy, I can't tell.
Wait a second, one of them's touching my trousers!
I'm confused!
Now it's later and we're back at their house.
I think we're all going to bed soon.
Good, I'm tired.
I'm going to brush my teeth.
Oh, the ladies are in the bathroom together.
They're not brushing their teeth.
What are they doing?
I'm confused.
They look angry.
It's confusing.
What?
Don't touch that.
You ladies know that's not how you brush your teeth.
Where's your brush?
I'm confused.
Okay, just breathe, just breathe.
Very erotic.
Regression there.
Remember, oh, it's seven one two two two one four nine.
You could win a copy of Jewel if you know what film Adam's being regressed into and what star he's being regressed into.
Let's take him into a different film.
Adam, wake up.
Tell us what you see.
I'm in a big room with lots of people wearing suits.
They like me.
I'm telling them what to do and they're doing it.
That's my job.
They're impressed.
I'm impressive and fair-minded.
Wait, wait a second.
There's a woman in the room.
She looks like the torch lady from the Columbia logo.
She's telling me what to do.
She doesn't think I'm impressive and fair at all.
She's a firecracker and I like her.
She's got spunk.
And despite our differences, we're going to bend, because that's what this country's all about.
OK, and just breathe.
Well done.
That was the second film.
08712221049.
As soon as you know who Adam's been regressed into in the films, let's take him to one third and final film.
Adam, wake up.
Tell us what you see.
Yeah!
Oh, I'm in a car.
It's hot.
I'm sweating.
I'm stuck in a traffic jam.
People of all different races and credos are shouting and beeping and shouting.
So much rudeness and aggressitude and racialistic tension.
I can't take it anymore!
I'm gonna leave my car right here in the traffic jam.
And from now on, I'm gonna stand up to all the rude, agressualistic racializers and teach them a bad lesson they won't forget soon.
forget and oh no I've gone too far I've become as bad as them or am I still the victim
Oh, it's confusing.
It's so confusing.
So much to talk about.
So much to discuss on the Late Show Review with Mark Lawson.
And I'm calling in Paul Morley.
OK, just breathe now.
Deep breaths.
Is it over now?
OK, so Adam's going to remain in his regressed state until one of you listeners calls 0-8-7-1-2-2-1-0-4-9.
Not only will you rescue Adam from basically permanent regression, but you'll win a copy of Jewel, a film by Steven Spielberg, in a tin box.
0-8-7-1-2-2-1-0-4-9, call now!
XFM This is element John XFM you join us in the middle of celebrity regression Adam has been regressed Into the mind and films of a famous film star and we've got a caller on the line who thinks she knows What that?
Who that star is and what the films are okay?
How are you doing?
Very well, how are you?
I'm very well, thank you.
Thanks for respecting the clinical nature of this competition and keeping your voice calm.
So are you confident, Kate?
Very.
Very confident.
You think you've got the actor or actress and all the films?
OK Kate, what I'd like you to do is when I tell you, say the name of the actor.
If you're right, Adam will come back to consciousness.
If you're wrong, you may damage his brain permanently.
Are you OK with that Kate?
You're happy about that?
Well, there's not a lot of brain damage, so the repercussions could be major.
Are you ready, then?
Say the name of the actor or actress who you think it is now.
Michael Douglas.
Oh, Kate!
Fantastic, Kate.
Well done, Kate.
Absolutely right.
First go.
That's brilliant.
But wait, wait, Kate.
Wait, Kate.
Kate, wait.
Do you know what the films was?
Yes, the films.
basic instinct of course it was a wonderful scene where Gina Gershon lesbian lavatory love and was it Gina Gershon I don't care it was Sharon Stone and they were fooling around the ladies fooling around with each other in the toilet not gonna get on the live vinyl of muggles yes I am with that attitude oh yes I am now are you still there Kate?
I am okay that's lucky what was film number two
Film number two was Wall Street.
Wrong.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
It's just because you've got one film wrong, we might have to scratch your copy of Jewel.
Oh, dear.
No!
Just damage it a bit.
What about if I just bang it against the desk just to dent it?
Bang it, man.
OK.
Ooh, that was a good bang.
That was a good noise, wasn't it?
But it's made no damage at all.
I think I got the third one right, though.
OK, what do you think the third one was?
Falling Down.
You just cut out in the middle of the words.
Say that again.
Falling Down.
Falling Down, of course, yes, where Douglas plays a close-to-the-edge kind of nerd who goes on a shooting and punching rampage because he's been pushed to the limit by the callous modern world.
We've all been there.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Well, Kate, that's fantastic.
Very good deductions there.
It wasn't quite as easy as it could have been this week due to the rambling nature of the competition, but you did very well indeed, and you're going to get that dual metal box sent to you forthwith.
Thanks.
Thanks for calling, Kate.
Thanks for listening as well.
Have a lovely Saturday.
Have a wonderful weekend.
Oh, I thought so nice.
Let's just take time out just to think.
Yeah.
What are you thinking about?
Oh, evil.
Pure, pure evil.
Don't think about pure evil.
I can't help it.
I must kill.
It's a sunny day.
Don't.
I must kill.
No, don't kill.
Sorry.
Here, look.
I'll tell you what I'm thinking about, that I will be going to the Make Me Model, uh, Make Me Supermodel, uh, final night, because we've had an email from the lovely producer Debbie Sol.
Doesn't want to be called on air, but she says, we'll try and see if we can squeeze you in.
Oh, what's she talking about?
I don't know, but I'm very excited.
Squeeze me in, too?
Oh, Dr Fox.
Uh, Debbie, I'll give you a call after the show.
Set that up.
That's brilliant.
If it's too far out of London, might not bother.
Hard-Fi with Tied Up Too Tight.
That was very good, I thought.
Fantastic.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Yeah, well done, man.
Thanks a lot, man.
You must be really pleased with that.
I'm really happy with that Hard-Fi single.
Yeah.
Good singing.
Yeah.
Thanks a lot, man.
So listen, film posters.
You know the BBFC put little certificates, obviously, on all film posters, and then next to the certificate, it's got some words, hasn't it?
yeah like stereophonic style words like exactly mild language strong graphic nudity yeah yeah yeah exactly like the title of the stereophonic album but you know i'm a bit worried that uh these little blocks of text by the bbfc sorry i'm just looking at my notes here uh are giving stuff away don't worry they're sort of spoiling the film like what for instance uh the weirdest one i've come across is on pooh's heffalump movie
POO's Heffalump Movie, Certificate U, obviously.
It says that the little box contains no sex, violence or bad language.
Mummy, can I see a film?
Yes, let's go and see Pooh's Heffalump movie.
Does it have sex, violence and language?
No.
I don't want to see it then.
Is it coming from the point of view of a toddler that loves really extreme stuff in films?
It just seems like they're all written from the point of view of someone who's sick in the head and is assessing these films for how freaky they are.
You know, for instance, sideways contains strong language and moderate sex.
Won't see it then.
If the sex is only moderate.
The machinist contains strong language, gory images and sex references.
No one cares about sex references.
You want the sex.
Won't so go and see the machinist.
What else have we got?
Nine songs contains frequent, strong, real sex.
That's brilliant, guaranteed.
The other thing you can do is make up your own.
For instance, a good one for Matrix Revolutions would be, contains confusing ideas, weak CGI and strong tedium.
For robots, I think it should say certificate U, contains one old joke.
I went to all these films I've seen.
Hitch contains no laughs, one use of strong language and intense boredom.
And Will Smith.
And Will Smith.
Is that a warning?
Yeah, it should be.
It should have been on the Shark's Tale box a bit more prominently.
Then I would have avoided it.
So if you listeners want to win tickets to see The Departure or Feeder,
Text us in what you would put in the BBFC certificate box for your favourite or least favourite film.
If there's a film you want to warn people about, what sort of five or six words would you put in that BBFC box?
The text number is 83XFM, email's adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk, win tickets to feeder or the departure for telling us what you'd put in that little BBFC box for your favourite film.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Here's a really short free play, maybe the shortest free play ever at 54 seconds.
This is Brian Eno with a remix of a Cannes song called Pneume.
Wow, that's... really worrying.
About the fire?
About the fire.
Why are we so quiet?
Oh, that's better.
It's out of control.
The fire's out of control.
I hope he doesn't work for the fire service.
Well, it's gonna burn the city.
He's an insane pyromaniac.
That's just so worrying.
That's a shame, isn't it?
That was the news with Franz Ferdinand.
Apparently there's an out of control fire.
There's some kind of fire, it's going to burn this city.
And before that you heard Dakota by the Stereophonics.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We've been asking you to text him what you would put in the BBFC box on a film poster for your favourite films.
We've had some quite good ones.
I've written some of them down.
Independence Day contains the knob out of Hitch.
That's quite good, isn't it?
The thing I like about that one is also that Hitch obviously is a recent film, Independence Day is an old film.
I like the idea that they would, you know, warn you about a film, eight to nine years in the future on the BBFC thing.
That's a good idea.
That was from Pale John.
Well done, Pale John.
I assume you're a sort of Clint Eastwood sort of character, riding around on a horse.
He's just white.
Yeah, very white.
The Magic Roundabout contains no charm.
or contains none of the charm of the original.
I've had to change some of these around so they're a bit better.
And I didn't sort of... Oh, dear.
Uh, nine songs, contains ejaculation, no storyline, and cinema full of sex offenders with rucksacks full of Kleenex.
You know what, I never went to see that film the other day.
Well, you were trying to pimp yourself to some sexy female listener.
I was trying to pick up girls on air to go and see nine songs.
And it was all for nothing.
and it was all, I just thought better of it, and went home to my wife instead.
Ricky Laughs Slightly So.
And someone else has texted in with, uh, they haven't given their name, but, uh, warning contains rubbish coming out scene.
And I think that's quite a good observation, because there are a lot of rubbish coming out scenes.
In Bridget Jones 2, we've discussed this already, when the sexy girl, uh, turns out to fancy Bridget Jones.
That's an awful coming out moment.
Oh, I haven't seen Bridget Jones' Edge of Reason.
Bend It Like Beckham, I believe Keira Knightley's character comes out as a lesbian in a terrible little coming out scene.
Sort of coming out as a sort of weird little subplot in the third act of a film is always particularly crap.
Well, there's In and Out, of course, the classic.
Almost Famous, apparently there's a coming out as well in Almost Famous.
One of the band just goes, oh I'm gay and I love you.
Well they think they're gonna crash and suddenly he admits that he's gay.
That's a good observation, rubbish coming out scenes.
If I was gay I'd be really patronised by all of those films.
I am gay and I am patronised by all those scenes.
I'm gay enough to be patronised.
So are you gonna give some prizes out then?
Er, no.
Are you going to keep asking people to send stuff in?
Yeah, cos we've got some more coming in and maybe the next link will give away those tickets to, to feeder or, or the departure and maybe get someone on the, on the line.
Oh, can you imagine?
Call one of our texters back.
Slightly frightening for people who've just texted in.
We may be calling your numbers.
calling your numbers so you definitely going to give it a feeling well done just did the jingle there just made it up are you going along to the model show final on Monday then I hope I am Wow yeah is that a definite well I picked it I've been definitely offered
Is it squeezed in?
And do you think that you would actually be on the telly then?
Is it going to be like Big Brother with lots of people standing around?
I hope not.
I'd hope not.
No, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Oh, man.
It's so hard to tell in TV, isn't it?
So exciting.
It's very exciting.
And who's the name?
What's the name of the woman judge on it?
The really ludicrous, obnoxious one.
Not Rachel Hunter, but the... Nattys.
Natalia.
Nattys.
There's Pingu or Peru or whatever his name is.
Pingu's a character from Nathan Barley.
Yeah.
But Peru is the absurd photographer.
and then there's Rachel Hunter and then there's Nick Knox, Natty Knox, Nitty, Natty.
I can't remember, Tanya?
Tanya, maybe it's Tanya, yes.
Tiddles?
Yes.
This is Make Me a Supermodel on Channel 5 we're talking about in case you just don't know.
Not very coherently.
What the hell we're talking about.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
It's music time once again.
This is The Choral within the morning.
What are you looking for?
Not you, listeners.
Stop talking.
Sorry.
Do you know what?
This is just a- Suddenly everything just went disastrous there.
Why?
Because I put the wrong song on.
Are we on again?
Yeah, I just- Wow.
I don't know.
This is like a behind-the-scenes link.
This is something for media students out there.
The whole show is behind the scenes.
That's the problem with us.
There's nothing in front of the scenes at all.
Okay, it was your fault, Alan Buxton, so come on, Carrie, Carrie, Phil.
Okay, Phil.
Here's the choral.
Well, there you go, that was worth actually getting to in the end because it was fantastic.
In the Morning by The Coral.
Yeah, so listen, Valiant vs Robots.
Oh yeah, I've seen neither of them, but I'm very excited.
You know, like any father of young children, these films become super important because you're guaranteed to have to sit through them about 500 times.
It's an interesting period because of course they're both big CGI movies.
One of them's British, one of them's American.
They've both got the same people in them.
Both got Ewan McGregor and Jim Broadbent in them.
So they're very similar.
The main difference is one's British, one's American.
So it's like a big
a test of whether the British film industry can make a big American-style CGI movie.
I've seen robots.
I haven't seen Valiant.
Valiant is about pigeons in the Second World War.
That is correct, yeah.
So, you know, and it looks as if Valiant won't make as much money as robots.
Er, it's inevitable, I think, based on the fact that which word can a three-year-old pronounce better?
Valiant or robots?
Robots.
Yeah.
If you said to a child, do you want to see robots or do you want to see Valiant, they'll go, you know, what does the- they won't even know what the second word means.
They'll go, robots, robots, won't they?
Yeah, they love robots.
Yeah, exactly.
So, come on.
I mean, they really should have thought that through at the development stage with Valiant.
If I'd been on the crew of that film, I would have pointed that out.
What would you have called it then?
Pigeons.
Pigeons or the birdie film?
Dirty Birds.
Dirty Birdies.
Winghead Rats.
Yeah.
I don't know, something like that.
But anyway, it got me thinking, and I'm thinking, well, you know, there's a way to make a talking bird movie very, very cheaply that no one has yet done.
Mm-hm.
And this is it, OK?
So the film's about a gay parrot.
Yeah.
It's a big CGI spectacle about a gay parrot.
Can you think of a good name for that?
Er, Polly wants a boyfriend.
Yeah, OK, stop right there.
So it's called Polly.
So it's called Polly.
OK.
It's about a bright pink parrot.
All you do is you get your scripts, you get a brilliant script, and then you get a parrot for every- you get- you buy enough parrots for every line of dialogue.
So say 500 parrots.
You teach them all one line of dialogue.
Because parrots can for real talk, can't they?
Yeah.
So you teach them all a line of dialogue each, spray them all pink,
thereby the gay parrot thing.
Bob's your uncle.
Make the film.
That's a bad idea.
It's a fantastic idea.
You don't have to bother with any of the CGI.
You've got talking parrots.
You don't have to bother with the CGI at all anyway.
You just dub them.
Have you not seen Paulie?
Okay, well what about this?
What about you just put a sort of weird digital sheen on it that makes it look CGI, even though it's actually real?
We- was- did you think of this very late last night when you were quite ill?
Yeah.
I bet.
I think that parrot idea is a winner.
Hey, have they got songs in robots?
Uh, there is some Tom Waits music in robots and there's a terrible moment when they start singing Brit- you know, Hit Me Baby One More Time.
Is robots no good then?
Robots is terrible.
Oh, that's a shame.
I was really excited about that.
It's good for the kids to love it, but it's like a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy.
It's amazingly derivative.
Yeah.
It's on a Shark Tale level for sort of unoriginality.
My wife went out and made some unauthorised purchases this week and came back with Shark Tale.
I'm the one that does the CGI film purchasing for the children, not her.
She came back with that pile of... carp.
That was a little shard to tell the joke for you.
And what else did she bring back?
She brought back something else completely unauthorised that I don't really want in my house.
But I'm very disappointed about Little Robots.
One of the things I've been subjected to recently is a lot of very bad songs in these animated films.
Paulie wants a pecker.
Paulie wants a pecker?
Very nice.
Well, yeah.
Well done.
That came in by text.
Another pecker.
Well done.
Yeah, so I've been collecting some of the worst songs that pop up in these animated films because they very often have a moment around about halfway through when they have a little montage of all the action going on accompanied by a really dreadful song that they've got someone to Do especially for the film of course the brilliant ones are things like Randy Newman You've got a friend in me and all the classic Disney wasn't that brilliant lost ditches in the dock for your last weekend.
Yeah, well
So here's, I just want to play you some of the ones that I've been listening to.
This one is called, this is from Help, I'm a Fish with Michael J. Fox, which isn't a bad film, it's not too bad.
You're gonna play some?
Yeah, check it out.
This is the sort of main theme.
Yeah, this was on telly over Christmas, wasn't it?
Was it?
Yeah, I saw this on telly over Christmas, or as much as I could bear.
Is this aqua?
It sounds like Aqua, doesn't it?
It's by... The kids love this sort of stuff, though.
This is like musical orange juice.
They absolutely do not love it.
Musical E numbers.
If my son is any indication, he's not interested.
He's probably gonna be straight.
He's obsessed.
Little gay kids love this.
Really?
It's by someone called Lunar.
Yeah, being a fish isn't that person's main problem.
And check this out.
Check out the lyrics to this one, also from Help, I'm a Fish.
This is a song called Do You Believe in Magic?
And this comes at a point in the film where basically they've discovered that if they want to be transformed back from fish into human beings, they have to collect a number of ingredients.
But they've got to do it before the sun rises.
Now, all these facts are cleverly incorporated into this song.
Listen.
ingredients being gathered we're on the run all of this needs to be done before the sun sets my friends
Yeah, that's, yeah.
Pretty amazing rapping there.
And they have these raps, these raps that'll pop up in these songs every now and again, as if people just sort of assume, well, kids, they like the rapping and it'll be better for them if there's some rapping, so we'll put a rap in it.
And you know, even so-called rap geniuses like P. Diddy aren't immune from this kind of thing.
This is a track from the Wild Thornberries movie, which is fantastic, I recommend the Wild Thornberries movie, but this is a rather low point at the end.
Is this P. Diddy rapping?
Yeah, check this out.
He's going to start soon.
All the Thorn Berets are jumping about.
Here it comes.
I'm going, going, back, back, yo, yo, yo.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what that is a reference to, Adam Buxton?
What is it?
It's LL Cool J with I'm Going Back to Cali.
I'm Going, Going, Back, Back to Cali, which is a very, very famous 80s hip-hop hit.
So Puff Daddy's slipping in a little reference for the Puff Daddies.
Now I feel stupid.
Yeah?
Now I feel really stupid.
But they have to pop a farting noise in there, don't they?
Just to keep the kids interested.
Yeah, exactly.
I don't know.
Well, I'm finished.
I just wanted to get those ones off my chest and a few films there for you two.
Wow, there you go.
So that was sort of a 10 to 15 minute chat about CGI films.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Cartoon films.
We'll be back shortly.
XFM
Oh, that's tiring, isn't it?
Uh, Every Day I Love You Less and Less by the Kaiser Chiefs.
Can I just read out a quick e-mail, Adam?
Go on then.
On the subject of robots versus Valiants, it's a very nice e-mail.
Uh, who's it from?
Who's it from?
Who's it from?
From Nicky in York.
Uh, she says, love the show.
Uh, regarding the subject of robots versus Valiants, I took my son to the cinema.
He's four.
I asked him what he wanted to see, robots or Valiants.
And he replied, nah, I don't want to see robots as it's on telly.
Referring to the BBC's Little Robots with Lenny Henry.
That's right.
I wanna see the pidgeys.
The pidgeys.
That's what they should have called it.
Pidgeys.
He laughed all the way through.
I couldn't understand why he found it so funny.
Oh, I wish I was a kid again in brackets.
He wanted to watch it again.
There we go.
So that's sweet, isn't it?
But he said after it, he said it was okay, but Incredibles is far better.
Oh, wow.
So there you go.
And she wants us to play Ian Brown's The Sweet Fantastic, cos it's the only song that can get her 11-week-old daughter off to sleep.
Have we got that?
Well, we haven't got time, I'm afraid, Nicky.
But thanks for that email.
That's very nice.
And, er, our text competition's been to, er, make up a BBFC warnings box for your favourite film.
We've got John on the line.
Hello, John.
Hello.
How are you?
Oh, I'm all right.
I'm, er, quite hungover, but... Oh, dear.
..all right.
And, er, your, your texts are under the name of Pale John.
Er, yes, that's right, yeah.
Can you explain that to us, please?
Er, well, I'm a chef, so I spend all day under artificial light and not getting any sun.
Right, so do your friends call you pale, John?
Erm, no, that's just a personal moniker.
Are you a mate, are you so pale that when you go out in the sun you actually make people go snow blind?
You actually can't, you can't be looked at with your shirt off.
I used to be like that.
Well, yes, I do, I do look quite like Brian Mocco or, erm, or him out of The Cure.
Are you very scrawny as well, John?
Yes, I was bit in the chest.
So you look a bit like the guy from, what are they called, not the stereophonics, but the stereo MCs.
A little bit, yeah.
You know, the skeletal guy always used to hold his hands out in photos.
That was the only pose he could do, was hands close to the lens.
Or maybe like Christian Bale, is he your film?
The Machinist, yes.
He's lost a lot of weight.
Yeah, well, that's not good, John.
You should have some cakes and get some sun.
But your texts were very good.
They were our favourites.
I've edited them a bit, because the point of these BBFC boxes is they're very succinct.
I particularly like yours for cruel intentions, which would be, contains that bit in the park.
Yes.
Because let's face it, that's all anyone cares about.
There's quite a good bit in the bedroom as well, isn't there?
Well, no, the bit in the back's the only bit I've watched, I think.
Fair enough.
Recommendation, yes.
I think you're absolutely right.
And your other one that we read out previously was Independence Day contains the knob out of Hitch.
That's correct.
I think that's extremely good.
So are you interested in seeing Feeder or The Departure?
I think The Departure.
OK.
So two tickets to the departure will be, uh, I was gonna say, winging their way to you.
But, uh, they'll be- we're gonna send them in- into you in the post.
Winging their- winging their way to you right now, John.
And thank you very much indeed for your call.
Yeah, or, you know, we called him actually.
Thanks for picking up and- and agreeing to- to come on our show.
Thanks very much.
Thanks for having me.
That's Girl by Beck from his new album, which has received a couple of lukewarm reviews.
I think it's a smash.
Well worth a listen.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Time now to launch Ditties in the Dark.
This is the part of the show where Joe and myself battle it out for who gets to play the very last song of the two hours here on XFM.
Joe, do you want to go first or shall I?
I don't mind.
Well, this week it's instrumentals.
We are battling it out to play and I'll go first.
I've brought in Green Onions by Booker T and the MGs.
It's...
you know, a fairly obvious choice.
It's one of the all-time classic instrumentals.
I think in fact it's the all-time, uh, greatest, uh, instrumental song on a lot of the internet lists that I looked at.
Oh, really?
It's a number one.
There you go.
Well, it was a number one hit, uh, by Booker T and the M.G.s, and for those of you who don't know about them, they were... Booker T and the Memphis group is what M.G.
stands for.
Booker T. Jones was in the band with Steve Cropper and Donald Duck Dunn, who of course were part of the Blues Brothers band, and they kind of created
the Memphis soul sound the stacks sound I love that was associated with people like Sam and Dave Otis Redding Wilson picket all those kind of people but this is an amazing instrumental it's so meaty and chunky played on that I think it's a Hammond organ might be wrong about that though but it's just one of the most quintessentially 60s groovy I can't think of any other cliches to describe it
it is an absolute classic if you're not familiar with it do yourself a favor and give me a vote for green onions incidentally as well it's the reason that um who are the crisp manufacturers golden wonder it's the reason why golden wonder made their cheese and onion crisp packets green uh it's a little trivia fact from there because of the song green onions joe what have you got
Okay, well it's sort of a funky instrumental playoff because I mean I was trying to figure out what to choose last night and I consider Green Onions, Wipeout by the Surfaris, couple of good Frank Zappa instrumentals, some Floyd, Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys would have been a good choice, Hawaii Five-O, Average White Band Pick Up the Beat, these are all things I rejected.
In Favour Of, a track by Marvin Hamlisch.
It's from my favourite James Bond movie, The Spy Who Loved Me, and it's the music that accompanies the opening pre-credits
ski chase in The Spy Who Loved Me, the one that climaxes with Bond skiing off a cliff and opening his Union Jack parachute.
And it's basically a disco rendition of the James Bond theme, but it's amazingly funky.
It's got that bass line that goes... Do you know the one?
Fantastic strings?
It's amazingly good.
It's called Bond 77 by Marvin Hamlisch.
It's just the funkiest rendition of the Bond theme ever.
If you're driving, it's a brilliant tune to drive to.
It'll sound great today.
It's recorded in 77.
That's it, basically.
Oh, so there we go.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
You're voting for either James Bond, but should we say Bond 77 or Green Onions?
Bon 77 or Green Onions, it's either... And we should remind callers that everybody who gets on air will win a copy of Happy Monday's Greatest Hits, or if they prefer, a couple of tickets to Feeder.
Call now!
That is Weezer, and that is called Beverly Hills.
This is Adam and Joel on XFM.
It's the last 10 minutes of our show, so it's time to pay off Ditties in the Dock.
This week it's been an instrumental play-off.
Booker T and the MGs with Green Onions versus Marvin Hamlisch with his funky James Bond theme, Bond 77 from The Spy Who Loved Me.
A strange play-off, but we're going to see what wins now.
Let's go to Jason.
Hello, Jason, are you there?
How you doing, all right?
Very well, Jason.
What are you voting for today?
Booker T. Booker T?
Why not Bond?
Jason, explain yourself.
Why?
I'm just facing a Booker T one.
All right, fair enough.
Can't argue with that.
What do you reckon, Buxton?
Yeah, well, Jason's correct.
I mean, you know.
Jason's wrong.
Also, Jason doesn't sound like the kind of ponce that would vote for the disco Bond one.
I bet you Jason is a very attractive man who skis very well and would love that Bond theme.
Never mind, Jason.
You know, you live and learn.
Mark, are you there?
You know what we should have done?
We should have offered Jason some feeder tickets.
But he's got the Happy Mondays album anyway.
There you go, Jason.
Uh, Mark, how you doing?
Yeah, not too bad, mate.
Very good.
What are you voting for?
Oh, I've got to go to see as well.
What?
Oh, yeah.
This is looking very bad.
What's wrong with James?
You know what I'm talking about, the bomb thing.
I don't know.
I'm not too many with it, mate.
Oh, dear me.
Yeah, you see, it's the film nerds aren't out there.
They're not calling today, Joe.
Are you interested in seeing feeder, Mark?
Yeah, yeah, I am.
Are you?
Are you excited about it?
Er, yeah, I don't like them that much, but yeah.
Oh, well then, well, there you go.
I'm sure someone would want the tickets more than you.
So tell you what, we're going to hold off on them and give you the Happy Mondays greatest hits.
Is that OK?
Because there are some fanatical feeder fans, and the concert is tonight, and we'd rather give it to them.
Thanks for calling, Mark.
So it's 2-0 to Buxton with Booker T. Cornish needs a vote, otherwise he's out of the picture with his gay Bond theme.
It is not gay.
It's slightly gay.
Douglas.
Is that Douglas the storyboard artist again?
Oh.
Oh, Douglas has gone.
Paul.
Hello, Paul?
Hiya.
How you doing?
Yeah, very good.
Oh, you've got, uh, you've got, uh, rugrats there.
Don't call them rugrats, because it's demeaning to the babies.
Okay, you've got children there.
No, they're next door, actually.
Really, next door?
Oh, boy, they're loud, aren't they?
They're that loud.
Oh, you need to get an ASBO on those ones, please, you can.
Um, so what are you voting for, Paul?
It's an absolute walkover.
This is nonsense.
That's a disaster for Cornish.
Well that's it, that's it, that's it.
Thank you very much for your quarter.
I'll find that really disappointing.
Don't worry, we'll talk about it in a second.
Would you like feeder tickets or the Happy Monday CD or both?
Well both would be brilliant.
Why don't we just give you both?
I feel so let down.
When it's feeder, is that tonight?
Yeah.
Can you go?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fantastic.
Have a really good time and thank you so much for your call.
Thanks to everyone.
It's at the Brixton Academy.
Don't forget to take a firearm.
That's not a good thing to say, man.
It's the Nas concert.
The Nas concert.
It's a topical joke.
Yeah, but still, that's not representative.
It's also sarcastic.
That was a disaster.
That was a total disaster.
That was a da- I mean, Booker T- Green on his- played every two minutes on Melody FM.
Do you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna- I'm gonna tease people with a- with a little snatch of your- of your Bond theme.
It's because it is quite good.
It's amazing.
Oh.
Yes.
Do you remember?
This is what you missed out on, folks.
You see, even Adam thinks it should have won.
I'm glad that I won, but this is really good.
Instead you've gone for the Melody FM most overplayed record in the world.
Listeners, you're fools!
No, but it is a smash.
Come on, book it to the AMGs.
You can't argue with this.
Listen, thank you very much for listening, everybody.
Hope you have a fantastic weekend.
We're off next week, but we'll see you the week after, I think.
So, enjoy the sunshine.
Goodbye.
Bye.
you